


Celestial Motions

by thefrenchmistake



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Episode: s14e15 Truth or Dare, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefrenchmistake/pseuds/thefrenchmistake
Summary: Attraction is a funny thing. Love isn’t.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48





	Celestial Motions

Attraction is a funny thing.

The drying of your mouth and throat, the speeding of your heart, lingering looks, unintentional smiles, subconscious leaning in, unnecessary touching, dilatation of pupils…

He never had real problems to figure out when someone was attracted to him (these signs don’t lie), but it becomes far more complex when he is the one attracted. In theory, it is simple.

A mixture of chemicals that impact the body, and thus the body language.

In practice ?

What a cluster-fuck.

Attraction is recognizable, but it is also uncontrollable. He knows that, despite all his morals, despite his brains, he is (and probably always has been) attracted to JJ. He looks at her too much, too long, laughs too loud even though her jokes are pathetic at best (she’s a dork, though she won’t admit it), and subconsciously readjusts his posture in a room according to hers.

The problem arises when physical attraction, which can be felt towards whomever, meets emotional attraction (how she understands him despite his lack of words, how he sees her pain even when no one else does, how they both get the thrill of the chase and the love of the job even as they loathe the murderers). And in their case, it’s not only both; add shared emotional traumas, PTSD and undying trust to the mix.

So, yeah; attraction is a funny thing. Love isn’t.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it ? It took him literal years -wasted years- to understand he loved JJ as more than a friend, as more than a partner; it took him even more years to push it down and act as her best friend, as a perfect godfather. But now ?

What the fuck is he supposed to do ?

What the fuck are they supposed to do, now that it’s out in the open and he can’t stop noticing the glances she throws his way and that she wets her lips when she feels his gaze on her, and how she moves away from him because otherwise she’d want to reach out ? How are they supposed to live with that, when Spencer comes by her house on Sundays to see Henry, and she can’t stop staring because he deserves a family of his own ? What are they supposed to do, when he restrains himself from calling her to be sure she’s goddamn alive and not tortured somewhere he can’t reach or kneeling with a gun on her forehead ?

But the worst is that, even though Spencer knows she’s married, knows her husband (and likes him very much as a person), Will has always been a secondary figure in his life, a character in the background when the real life displayed almost exclusively in the office.

There is life at the office, with her family and Spencer,and her life at home with a husband she loves and children she’d die -and kill- for.

It might be understood, then, why it’s in the office that it happens.

It’s not really conscious, it’s not really unconscious, it just happens.

They’re talking about the case and then it slips towards something more personal, and then he takes a step aside and comes closer to grab a file and….

Suddenly she’s staring up at him, baby blue eyes full of confusion, and he doesn’t believe in anything anymore so he just damns it all and steps closer. Her hands come up to rest on his chest and that’s just it.

JJ is the one to stand on her tiptoe and kiss him.

He cradles her face and kisses her back, and the more she gives him, the more he craves and the more he takes. 

JJ pushes him back, keeping her lips on his, until his knees hit the chair and he has to sit down.

She climbs onto his lap like it's the easiest thing, one hand coming up to his jaw so she can turn his head as she wants. Fuck, he didn’t believe this could ever happen, that she would ever…

But now, he’s sure he’ll never believe in anything as much as he believes in this moment, with her blonde strands slipping through his fingers like silk, with her pink lips swollen, with her blue eyes fluttering at each kiss.

He believes in it, because the only thing that seems real anymore is pain. And the pain is here, in his chest and in his head, telling him to do this now because he won’t get another chance, because this woman, God, this woman he loves so much is married to a man she loves, as the cold metal of her ring on his skin reminds him. 

Spencer pulls back from her mouth, pressing his forehead against hers, heaving.

“Hey,” she whispers, nosing at his cheek.

He has to smile despite the heartbreak, and he whispers back.

“Hey.”

JJ must get it, get what is going through his mind because she holds him a little tighter suddenly, her whole body flush against his. This is it.

And if they were different people, if they justified their mistakes by the world they live in and the atrocities of their every day life, then they would just damn it all and be selfish and choose this (it would be so easy, to give in and unbutton her blue shirt, to tuck his hand in her pants and breathe all he wants in her ear).

But the fact is, as much as they want to be brave enough, selfish enough, loving enough, they’re not those people. She loves Will; Spencer loves her.

And they won’t try to make it something it’s not, they won’t try to make it the beginning of something that cannot be.

They’ll just steal this, for now.

Steal this, and keep it next to her scarred heart and his damaged brains; steal it, and remember when there is silence or too much noise, when it’s dark or in the morning, when they’re surrounded by strangers or alone.

(They’re both more alone than they care to admit)

“I’m so sorry,” she chokes out. She can’t look at him, she can’t even raise her eyes.

Because she is sorry.

Sorry she hurt him, sorry she became a _cheater_ , sorry she lied, sorry Will can’t be enough.

But she’s not really sorry about what happened with Spence, she is more sorry about the betrayal in itself.

His hand grips hers tightly, and she has to look up, even if it’s to contempt, because she loves this man so much. There is no contempt when he looks at her.

“I know you are.”

“I never wanted to…”

“You love him, Jennifer.”

She chokes down a sob and a lie, gulps and answers painfully:

“I love you.”

Will smiles, but she sees the broken edges of his heart on the corner of his lips.

“I know you do. And you’re the love of my life. Of course it hurts but…” he breathes. “I can’t say I didn’t know.”

“What ? I’ve never….”

“You’ve loved him for years babe. I saw it at the beginning, and I saw it every day for the last thirteen years. I can’t… God," he sighs, takes a few seconds to put his thoughts in order. 

" I wish I could blame you and even hate you, but that would be… That would mean I never expected it and that’s just not true. He’s the person you work with, the one with whom you share these awful things that happen to people in your line of work, under stressful situations. He’s your partner, has been for fifteen years, even outside the office.”

“You’re my husband.”

“And I’ll keep being your husband, because I love you. But JJ… It’s one mistake. One mistake in fifteen years. I’ve seen you being torn apart for thirteen of those fifteen years, and every single day, I knew you loved him, but you chose me, over and over again. Every day, for the entirety of our marriage, you chose me. And… It’s not this one slip that will break us apart, because once more, you’re here, in front of me, and you’re apologizing. You’re choosing me.”

“I always will,” she promises. “I swear to God, it will never happen again, I never meant to, it was… It was…”

“I know what it was. Come here.”

He opens his arms with forgiveness that she doesn't deserve in his eyes and lets her slip in his embrace, holding her so close she wonders if he can hear the little part of her telling her she belongs in others arms. Jennifer snuggles closer and hides her tears in Will’s shirt.


End file.
